Friday, November 28, 2008
Drinking at Applebees
In my right mind I would never blog while drinking in a small town chain bar a few miles down from a hotel I'm staying in just to tell everyone I'm alone and getting shit faced while my boyfriend visits his ex of ten years for thanksgiving. What would you do?
I suppose I should be rooting him on like the good, mature adult I'd like so much to be. He is after all spending quality time with her kids. Kids. Well, her teenagers and adults (16-21). Hahahahaha. And he's being a good friend to her, the peroxide blasted silicone pumped woman he called "wife" for ten years. The same ex-wife he can't stop confiding in, calling, texting, emailing. And, I mean, I really want to be enlightened about all of this.
I want to see things for what they really are. I want to believe this is about "the kids" and smooth transitions, not co-dependence and moronic therapeutic ideologies. I want to think he actually loves me and I'm not some catalyst for transformation amid a midlife crisis and marital dry-spell.I want to believe he's not going to pick me up from here and decide I look like a drunk and disheveled $5 whore in the face of his beloved Christian princess who lives on the hill saving the world one psychotropic drug at a time and reminding him what a failure he is so he'll always strive to meet her, to please her.
I want to believe he won't see that I'm imperfect and too fragile for betrayals. I don't want to be left alone in hotel rooms anymore. I can't be left on streets in towns I don't know in the middle of the night. I don't want to be abandoned anymore.
It sounds weak and so simple but I want more than anything now just to be normal. I want to belong to someone and be safe in their world. I want to be loved like other people are loved in the average, basic way. I want to be his family on holidays and that woman he can confide in and would come to at any time of night or day. I don't want to be...
doing a shot now with strangers
...very suddenly drunk.
I suppose I should be rooting him on like the good, mature adult I'd like so much to be. He is after all spending quality time with her kids. Kids. Well, her teenagers and adults (16-21). Hahahahaha. And he's being a good friend to her, the peroxide blasted silicone pumped woman he called "wife" for ten years. The same ex-wife he can't stop confiding in, calling, texting, emailing. And, I mean, I really want to be enlightened about all of this.
I want to see things for what they really are. I want to believe this is about "the kids" and smooth transitions, not co-dependence and moronic therapeutic ideologies. I want to think he actually loves me and I'm not some catalyst for transformation amid a midlife crisis and marital dry-spell.I want to believe he's not going to pick me up from here and decide I look like a drunk and disheveled $5 whore in the face of his beloved Christian princess who lives on the hill saving the world one psychotropic drug at a time and reminding him what a failure he is so he'll always strive to meet her, to please her.
I want to believe he won't see that I'm imperfect and too fragile for betrayals. I don't want to be left alone in hotel rooms anymore. I can't be left on streets in towns I don't know in the middle of the night. I don't want to be abandoned anymore.
It sounds weak and so simple but I want more than anything now just to be normal. I want to belong to someone and be safe in their world. I want to be loved like other people are loved in the average, basic way. I want to be his family on holidays and that woman he can confide in and would come to at any time of night or day. I don't want to be...
doing a shot now with strangers
...very suddenly drunk.
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