Melancholy

This song ironically taught me happiness seven years ago. It's my comfort song.

A Letter to You

You got me drunk to ask me about my life, about who I was, what made me--to ask if I would ever marry you. You took the time to tear down all my defenses and to tell me we were meant for each other and that you would be my safety. You told me you would be my best friend and stand by me, stand with me and that you would accept me for what I was. You stayed inside of me and held me while I cried and told you things I have never admitted, not even to myself.

One week later, you say you are incapable of a relationship. You say you do not have a soul mate. You say you don't care where I live and who I fuck. You know I'm in a difficult situation but you "don't know what to tell me". You say you want to see me on the weekends but can't bear a conversation about a future with me. You say you're a "broken man" and confused and depressed and don't know what's right and that I'm rushing you for answers. I offer to get an apartment an hour away and you tell me it's not a good idea because you don't know where you're going and you'd hate for me to end up in Tennessee "all by myself". Because you would leave me. But you miss me, you say.

Well tell me then, how do you miss me? Do you miss the comfort of a warm body beside you? Someone you share memories with? Do you miss another voice in the room? Because you don't miss me. You don't have a soul mate, remember? You don't love yourself, you say, so you can't love me. And you say you hate all my poetic and witty writings. You say you'll never talk to anyone "literary" again. When I tell you I'm not talking to you anymore, you are unaffected and say just "okay".

You say you're sorry I met you because you're a bad man and no good for anyone and that you don't want to hurt me. You look back at all the people you've hurt and believe that you can be nothing different.

Tonight. Right here in this spare bedroom with everything I own in plastic bags. Tonight after you dumped me on Valentine's Day and my birthday. Tonight after an abortion of a child between us that I thought could be something beautiful and full of love. Tonight after I poured everything I was capable of offering into loving you and being a good woman to you....I believe you could be right about yourself.

And you will use my silence to confirm that you are right. You will sleep soundly and believe that you were born to be alone and that all people abandon you and that no one believes in you. You'll wake up to the comfort of your own depression because that's your "birthright" as you have loved to say. You'll take comfort in your music and being young again and picking up chicks and partying with your friends. You'll believe you're doing the best you can and that life is just hard for you. You'll believe that I always loved to tell you about yourself and that I was needy and a bitch. You'll tell people that it just wasn't meant to be and that in your life, everything just falls apart.

But none of that will really be true. No matter how easily you convince yourself of all those "facts", one night you will wake up to the sad reality that everything didn't just fall apart. You tore it down.

In the face of everything bad that has happened between us, you should know that I wanted to spend my life with you.

I wanted to share everything with you. I really did want you as my best friend and partner. I wanted to believe that if we were together we could do anything and that you would love me too. I always believed in you.

I'm sorry you never believed in us. I'm sorry you never believed in you.

Wherever you are and whatever you do: I love you and I am letting you go.

-Jacqui.